“All” by Dominick Jean
I tasted the winds sweeping by
Breezes like kisses batter my skin
On the edge of the sea, where I lie
Dreaming, as I was, of all my sin
I recall not what I was after
With this foolish recollection
The crossing stars sing with laughter
And I curse my bold, too-strong affection
But now, the stars alone shall see
And find my affection a mild flame
Before the dark and deep desires which be
But these also shall I tame
My soul is blue and runs with tears
My heart is red and filled with fires
And finally, I will look into those mirrors
And will drown all those desires
For I wish to say, if only some day
That I never knew or tasted you
Whatever you wish or claim, you may say
But my tongue is sharp and screw you too
All I was is a counterpuncture
All I am is a shadow
All I will be… is me
If you read the poem, you understand at least in part. There will be people you love, people who had eyes which entranced you with their strength. People, who for a brief instant, made the sun shine at midnight.
And you will hurt them and they will hurt you. They'll swing a left hook and you'll put up a strong right cross. You'll duke it out until you feel every bruise and all that exists is the tired, filthy hatred that you curl up around at night. It keeps you warm.
It also ruins you. Utterly.
You curl up around the pain of it all and it keeps you warm but you feel ruinous. You feel like your hands have been trained for war with them and your fingers for battle. But you are so wrong.
You have been trained for mercy, forgiveness and even for love.
“It is not by sidestepping or fleeing from suffering that we are healed, but rather by our capacity for accepting it, maturing through it and finding meaning through union with Christ, who suffered with infinite love.”
― Pope Benedict XVI, Saved in Hope: Spe Salvi
Pope Emeritus Benedict said it better than I with those words. We are trained in the same school of love which Christ brought to us on the cross. In our suffering, we find Him. And we find each other. We find love.
Our soul runs blue with tears and our hearts red with both passion and hate. And in our shattered selves something small, wiggles and needles its way into our inner self.
It's that voice you've heard before. It's forgiveness.
The most Divine all telling thing there is and it's called Mercy.
So the poem you read above...well obviously it's not very forgiving you think. And you'd be right. It was written for the singular of shoving a knife into a battered heart. But reflecting on it...the gift that mercy is, shows itself.
So I step into forgiveness, just the first step now but it is a step. Take the music, the poetry, the rage inside and listen to it, acknowledge its validity and then put it to rest. You will never have solace with it, your rage and anger can never satisfy your dark and deep desire.
Your dark and deep desire to be raw, and real and bold.
Turn to mercy and find everything you ever wanted.
"Turn to me and have mercy on me; strengthen me and save me, because I serve you just as my mother did." -Psalm 86:16